I read of a dispute between parents who had split up just before their twins were born. The mum named the children: however, the father objected to the chosen names and took the mother to court to have the names changed. The court ordered that the original first names should be kept but the children’s middle name should be changed to the father’s choice. This resulted in the father using the children’s middle names when they were with him, while the mother continued to use their first names. Of course, this led to confusion because when they were registered with any official body their names depended on who was registering them, mother or father. So, back to court, where the judge ruled that officially they were to be known by their first name only.
Okay, so you are getting the picture. A dispute between two adults who are obviously at loggerheads with each other over the names of their children. The court made a judgment and in theory, the matter is settled.
Really? Is the father just going to drop the whole thing? Is such animosity just restricted to names?
The reality is that often parents have disputes but forget the effects those disputes have on their children who often become collateral damage.
It is all too easy to ‘Forget the Kids’ as we struggle with our feelings and hurts, We think it will not affect them because they cannot express their feelings, and are not yet capable of joining in the debate: yet in the long term it is all about them because…
“We are products of our childhood because what happens in childhood remains in the adult!”
Imagine: a child living with mum and dad wakes one day and either mum or dad has gone and is not coming home again. An explanation is given that Mum and Dad are no longer getting on and Dad has met somebody else so is going to live with them and is no longer going to live with us. For a child such a scenario is devastating. Their whole known world from birth is shattered. Then, trying to make it right the children are told, “But it’s going to be OK because you can go and stay with dad and he will still be in your life”.
This blog is not about passing judgment on adults and not meant to send anyone on a guilt trip, but simply to urge us all to ‘Not forget the kids’.
You see when the father in our story went to court over names he was starting something which would affect his kids, possibly for the rest of their lives. So in sorting out our disputes, please consider the long-term effects on the kids.
Check out my book, the theme of which is that childhood is training for future adults
‘Sixteen years a child sixty years and adult’
コメント