Recently I was talking to a mum of a teenager who was going through a period of intense anxiety and pressure. We were reflecting on the effect that social media has on teenagers today. They never have the opportunity to switch off because the pressure is to have their phones with them switched on at all times. Because of this, they are never alone with their thoughts, even during the night. One teen to whom it was suggested that their phone should be switched off at night said, “I cannot do that because my friends might need me.” The motivation was good because she cared about her friends who shared their feelings, fears, and troubles with her constantly and she was counselling them all the time. She was afraid that they might do something silly if she was uncontactable and then she would feel it was her responsibility. What a burden of responsibility for a young person to bear without any respite!
This made me reflect on my own children’s teenage life experiences. They came home from school and left all their friends, their troubles, burdens, and anxiety behind them. Somebody might ring up on the home phone and want to chat for a while, but that was all. They had time to do their homework without the distraction of a phone pinging at them all the time. They went to bed and were undisturbed by any outside distractions.
Contrast this with teenagers’ lives today where their phones appear to be clued to them, opening up the whole world of social media potentially on a 24/7 basis.
I was talking to another friend this week whose daughter had accidentally left her mobile phone at home. Her mum was telling me how upset she was, partly because her school timetable was on her phone. They solved the timetable problem but she was still very upset and almost crying and lost without her phone.
Question
Is there anything we can do to protect our young people from constant 24/7 social media without undermining their relationships with their friends and their world?
That is a massive question because peer pressure to conform to the teen’s world order is very great. They have to live within their teen world and to not do so is to feel left out and isolated. A really big problem for young people.
As I chatted this through with this mum, she reflected that safeguards need to be put in at the point when a young person is getting their first phone. She did not think this was necessary at the time because her child seemed so sensible, responsive, and sensitive to the suggestions of her parents. Then the teenager appeared and everything changed. Talking with my son and telling him about this, he said, “Yep! That’s exactly what happened with my three girls. You do not think it is going to happen and then suddenly they are teenagers with all the characteristics that go with teen years.” He went on to say that as they approached their twenties it all reversed again and it was as though the pre-teen characteristics came back again.
I asked this mother what she would do differently if she had the chance to start over. She would have set out clear rules around phone use and limitations of use before her kids got the phones.
The conditions under which her children would have been allowed a phone would have been;
1. No phones in bedrooms while they are at school.
On this point, we agreed that this should not only apply to the teen but to mum and dad as well. The only exception would be that if there was no home landline and then Dad or Mum would have theirs in the bedroom for safety and security.
2. No phone use at meal times and this would include everyone in the house.
3. Phones are to be turned off one hour before bedtime and put in a designated place until morning. Again this would apply to everyone in the house.
The idea is that if these family rules are set out clearly and apply to everyone before the teen years, then it is easier to maintain those rules. Because of our tendency to forget verbal agreements, there is an excellent argument for this agreement to be written down and signed.
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